Over Before It Began

As you probably know, last August, my wife and I had a miscarriage. It was very difficult for us. We were almost at 12 weeks, which is considered the "safe time" for the most part when it comes to pregnancies. It was awful. I can still close my eyes and sees the heartbeat on the ultrasound. A couple weeks before it happened, Katie was able to hear the heartbeat. To say the least, we were devastated.

On St. Patrick's Day this year, we found out that we were expecting once again. It was almost like the pain had finally melted away in light of the new joy that we had. Until today.

Last Wednesday, Katie had some bleeding that really freaked her out. We went to the hospital and got an ultrasound, but the tech couldn't find anything. We then go some blood work done and found out that one particular number was more consistent with a pregnancy in its 4th or 5th week, which cannot be seen on an ultrasound.

We went back two days later because that number was supposed to double every 48 hours. It didn't. It only increased by one-third. We went in for another ultrasound today, and there was still nothing to be found.

It turns out the embryo never fully formed. Our baby never had a chance. She hasn't officially miscarried yet, but we know that it is coming, which is more than we could say for our last one. I'm not really processing my emotions right now, because I rarely do in the first place.

I have noticed that I'm a little too upset at the fact that I am unable to watch the Cardinal game this afternoon - blackouts on ESPN and MLB.tv (which I almost subscribed to just to watch the game), along with the fact I haven't subscribed to Gameday Audio this year, have made it impossible.

I still believe that we will be parents some day, but we are having a hard time right now. This just plain sucks.