Over Before It Began

As you probably know, last August, my wife and I had a miscarriage. It was very difficult for us. We were almost at 12 weeks, which is considered the "safe time" for the most part when it comes to pregnancies. It was awful. I can still close my eyes and sees the heartbeat on the ultrasound. A couple weeks before it happened, Katie was able to hear the heartbeat. To say the least, we were devastated.

On St. Patrick's Day this year, we found out that we were expecting once again. It was almost like the pain had finally melted away in light of the new joy that we had. Until today.

Last Wednesday, Katie had some bleeding that really freaked her out. We went to the hospital and got an ultrasound, but the tech couldn't find anything. We then go some blood work done and found out that one particular number was more consistent with a pregnancy in its 4th or 5th week, which cannot be seen on an ultrasound.

We went back two days later because that number was supposed to double every 48 hours. It didn't. It only increased by one-third. We went in for another ultrasound today, and there was still nothing to be found.

It turns out the embryo never fully formed. Our baby never had a chance. She hasn't officially miscarried yet, but we know that it is coming, which is more than we could say for our last one. I'm not really processing my emotions right now, because I rarely do in the first place.

I have noticed that I'm a little too upset at the fact that I am unable to watch the Cardinal game this afternoon - blackouts on ESPN and MLB.tv (which I almost subscribed to just to watch the game), along with the fact I haven't subscribed to Gameday Audio this year, have made it impossible.

I still believe that we will be parents some day, but we are having a hard time right now. This just plain sucks.

Sometimes, Life Just Sucks

Tuesday, August 11, 2009. A day I don't think I'll ever forget. It's the day that our excitement and dreams were crushed. It's the day that we lost our baby.

I was doing my office hours at Hillsboro, and when I came home, Katie started feeling a cramp in her abdomen. She had been spotting again, but I wasn't too concerned just yet. Then the cramping started. We got in the car and went to St. Clare in Crawfordsville. I think I knew what was going to happen, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. Then it did, and I couldn't stop crying.

I'm sitting at home on Wednesday morning, and I don't know what to say. I'm grateful for all the support that we have received from friends and family. I know that God was with us every step of the way. But, honestly, I feel like crap. Maybe it's because I didn't sleep well last night (you'd think that for as much as the hospital is going to charge us, they'd have better sleeping accomodations!), maybe because it took us four years to get pregnant in the first place... I don't know. I still think about how Katie got to hear the heartbeat in Atlanta a few weeks ago, and my eyes start to tear up because I never did. We were getting ready to start on the nursery...

I know that God is with us, but sometimes, life just sucks...

The Swisher Factory

In light of going through a new adventure in life, Katie and I have started up a family blog. You can see it by clicking on the following link: The Swisher Factory. Katie has already put a few posts up, and I'm sure that I'll chime in from time to time about things pertaining to being an expecting father. Should be quite a ride. After the baby comes, we'll be using this blog as a way to share pictures, videos and stories as well.

One Journey Ends, Another Begins

I haven't said a lot over the last couple of years about the frustrations and heartaches that Katie and I have had when it has come to starting a family. I guess a part of me didn't really know how to put it into words, and maybe another part of me didn't want to admit that we were having a hard time getting pregnant.

On our way up to annual conference, Katie had an appointment to see the OB to talk about girl stuff that I don't fully understand (nor do I really want to!). Basically, we weren't sure if she was ovulating at all, and quite frankly, no ovulation = no pregnancy. It is something that we struggled with while we were still in Wilmore. A part of me always figured that we would someday, whenever God would choose to bless us.

The last couple of years have been filled with disappointment every time "that time" of the month rolled around. I think a part of each one of us was trying to come to terms with the idea that we never would get to have children of our own. We would discuss adoption from time to time, but it never went very far. I think we just didn't want to admit that it may be the only option we would have.

The conversation at the OB before annual conference ended with the doctor basically saying that she didn't want to waste our time trying something that didn't work in the past, and she was referring us to a fertility specialist. We were planning on giving them a call this past week.

At annual conference, Katie was pretty tired most of the time. She had been have some trouble breathing, and felt like her heart was beating harder than normal. This scared us a little, so she set up an appointment to meet with our doctor (who is still in Fishers because we haven't found a doctor in Veedersburg yet), and told him what was going on. They decided to give Katie a pregnancy test because it fit all the symptoms. In her words, she said, "I never pass those." (So funny, isn't she? She learned it from me.)

However, five minutes later, the doctor came in and asked how she felt about being a mom. As she was leaving the doctor's office, she called me. I had been in Veedersburg working on a funeral message for one of our church members when she called, and said two simple words, "I'm pregnant." I'm not a very emotional person, but I cried. It was a mixture of relief, joy and shock all at once. For once in my life, I was speechless. I don't usually say a lot anyway, but that's usually because I choose not to do so. I literally didn't have any words, apart from, "Really?"

We have had to trust in God so much during this journey. Somehow, through it all, I always believed that God would bless us in some way. It's amazing how something we've been trying so hard to do caught us totally off guard. God is good. The trying, difficult period is over. We are going to have a baby. Now, a new journey starts. It's another one that is certainly going to try our faith, but we know that God is faithful, and we can trust in Him.